• Discipleship is like a plane with two wings.
  • Wing one is a family in relationship, maturing in our faith.
  • Wing two is a body with a mission to reach the lost.

Luke 2:49 (NKJV)

And He said to them, “Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?”

How do we implement relational discipleship?

1) MODEL what we want the church to do

2) CREATE a system of ministry that enables relational discipleship

3) FOCUS should always be on relational discipleship

4) PROTECT the koinonia

5) DETERMINE the starting point

• It is better to have conflicts than a mask of unity.
• A healthy church has learned a redemptive way of thinking, seeing, and behaving so that when conflicts come, they can handle it.

Conflict is a growing opportunity.

4 COMMON REACTIONS TO CHURCH CONFLICTS

#1) Excessive Spiritualization

#2) Deny

#3) Trivialize

#4) Guilt

RESOLVING CONFLICT

Matthew 18:15-17 NLT

15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

#1) DEAL WITH IT HONESTLY & QUICKLY

— Deal with the issue honestly and quickly (Eph 4:25-27)

Ephesians 4:25-27 (ESV)

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Before you confront conflict:

PRAY — Pray for Father’s heart, His will, reconciliation.

Psalm 86:11 (ESV)

Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.

ADMIT — Admit if there’s anything you could have done differently. Be humble.

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

LISTEN — Be quick to listen (James 1:19)

James 1:19 (NLT)

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

SPECIFY — Specify the actual problem. The problem is not the person. Avoid words such as “you always” or “you never.”

#2) DEAL WITH IT PRIVATELY FIRST

— Deal with the issue privately before bringing someone else (unless it’s the opposite sex)

Matthew 18:15 NLT

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.

Matthew 18:16 NLT

But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.

#3) DON’T GET DEFENSIVE

— Work on not becoming defensive. Celebrate the courage it took to be honest.

Proverbs 12:16 (NLT)

A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.

Proverbs 12:22 (NLT)

The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.

#4) FOLLOW-UP WITH THEM

— After confrontation, go back later to check on how the other is doing.

Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)

The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.

#5) BE A PEACEMAKER

— When someone comes to you with a problem with someone else, be a wise person and a peacemaker.

Hebrews 12:14-15 (NLT)

Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Gossip is spreading negative stuff about someone to other people without the intent to get help in resolving the problem.

Slander is telling lies about someone meant to hurt them or their reputation.

Matthew 5:9 (ESV)

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

#6) SOMETIMES WE MUST LET THEM GO

— There is a time to move on.

Matthew 18:17 NLT

If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

Acts 15:36-41 (ESV)

36 And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.” 37 Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. 38 But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. 39 And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. 41 And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

Titus 3:10-11 (ESV)

As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.

2 Timothy 4:14-15 (ESV)

Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds. Beware of him yourself, for he strongly opposed our message.

3 John 1:9-10 (NLT)

I wrote to the church about this, but Diotrephes, who loves to be the leader, refuses to have anything to do with us. When I come, I will report some of the things he is doing and the evil accusations he is making against us. Not only does he refuse to welcome the traveling teachers, he also tells others not to help them. And when they do help, he puts them out of the church.

1 Corinthians 5:11 (NLT)

I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.

CONCLUSION

If you are considering backing out of a relationship…

1. Make sure your purpose is not to destroy the other but about the good of the God family and the person’s reputation and restoration.

2. Follow the Matthew 18 principle.

3. Get wise counsel from someone not emotionally tied to the situation to help you see if you are taking things wrong.

4. Bring a neutral mature person with the heart of reconciliation.

5. Be open to reconciliation.

6. Regardless of the outcome, continue to do the Lord’s work.

Jeremiah 17:9 (NLT)

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?

Ephesians 4:3 (NLT)

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

2 Corinthians 13:14 (NLT)

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.